Guide to Emotional MANAGEMENT & Boundaries
Question: How to go about emotional expectation management, and maintain boundaries when casually dating?
Casual dating can offer numerous benefits, enabling individuals to explore relationship preferences and gain valuable insights into themselves. It typically involves a physical and/or emotional connection without the expectations associated with labeled relationships, exclusivity, or commitments. Reasons for casual dating vary, ranging from seeking fun and exploration of desires to healing from past relationships. No reason is inherently superior to another, but honesty and open communication with potential partners are crucial. Regardless of the motive, it's essential to check in with yourself and your partners regarding expectations to prevent emotional harm. You can see examples of how you or others can be harmed during casual dating in Issa Rae’s tv series, Insecure. For example, the lack of honesty and communication when Issa Rae’s character, Issa Dee, and Jay Ellis’ character, Lawrence began dating others, such as Daniel (Y’lan Noel) and Rasheeda (Gail Bean), caused confusion and prevented potential successful “hookups,” friendships, or casual dating experiences. While the show is fictional, many could relate to the experiences of all parties involved. Relationships can vary based on many factors. Below, are tips on how to navigate casual dating:
• Define casual dating for yourself.
Defining casual dating is a crucial initial step, involving expectations, intentions, and boundaries. What are your emotional, physical, and time expectations? Find out if your expectations align with current or potential partners. What are your intentions for casual dating? Are you dating with the intention to find a long-term partner? Clarify whether you expect disclosure about other partners, the frequency of dates, or openness to long-distance relationships. Once expectations and intentions are clear, determine what you desire and do not want in your casual dating experiences.
• Set boundaries.
Successful navigation of casual dating relies on establishing clear boundaries. These are explicit guidelines ensuring respect and safety. Non-negotiables help maintain a clear understanding of limits and expectations. For instance, decide if sexual activities are on the table and under what conditions. Communicate these boundaries effectively to ensure everyone involved is on the same page and respects comfort levels. Remember, these boundaries protect your emotional well-being, personal space, and time. As you navigate casual dating, regularly evaluate, and communicate your feelings and expectations to maintain a healthy and enjoyable experience.\
• Become familiar with non-monogamous relationship options.
Casual dating does not mean you are open to non-monogamy relationships. However, if you are unfamiliar with dating outside of a monogamous relationship, it can be helpful at least obtain a general understanding of diverse relationships. Non-monogamy is simply a relationship style that involves more than two people. Even if non-monogamy is non-negotiable for you, it is possible that you may encounter someone that is open to non-monogamy. In which you can make an informed decision to continue to date someone with other relationship style preferences. In the context of non-monogamous or other diverse relationships, clear boundaries and effective communication are even more critical. Reflect on your comfort level, intentions, and expectations, openly discussing them with your partner(s) to ensure mutual respect and understanding.
• Protect yourself.
Prioritize the protection of your energy and body, especially when casually dating. Protecting your energy encompasses how you show up in the world. Be mindful of how you show up in the world, as your vibes can impact others. Pay attention to how you feel when you are in the presence of someone to assist you in your decision making on how you want to participate in the relationship. Trust your intuition, uphold boundaries, and manage emotional expectations.
Sex happens. If sex is involved, initiate conversations about STI testing, preferences, and other factors impacting decisions. Whether sex happens on the first meeting or months later, the focus should be on how it aligns with both parties' preferences.
• Consider professional guidance.
If negative experiences or trauma are associated with relationships, whether committed or casual, self-reflection is crucial. Evaluate what worked and what didn’t and consider seeking professional guidance for a healthier approach in future relationships. There is a variety of professionals that can assist you in your journey, such as sex therapists, relationship coaches, healing practitioners, mental health counselors, and spiritual advisors.
Ultimately, the key to successful casual dating lies in self-awareness, effective communication, and mutual respect for established boundaries.
Dr. Clarissa Francis, The Real Hot Girl Doc, is a scholar-activist, speaker, and consultant committed to advancing Black women's sexual liberation through The Hot Girl Movement. Holding a PhD in Human Sexuality and an MA in Africana Women’s Studies, she extends her expertise beyond academia with training in massage therapy, reiki healing, and conscious erotic touch. Since 2009, she has collaborated with colleges, organizations, and community leaders to raise awareness and facilitate healing. Her offerings include workshops, training, and consulting services, focusing on reproductive justice, sexual health, mental wellness, and diverse aspects of overall well-being.
Explore more about Dr. Francis and The Hot Girl Movement on her site and social media platforms:
• Website & Online Store: The Real Hot Girl Doc
• Instagram: @TheRealHotGirlDoc & @TheHotGirlMovement
• YouTube: @TheHotGirlMovement
