How to practice active listening in your intimate relationships?
Active listening is a critical skill to have in any relationship, but especially in our intimate relationships.
It's a great way to show your partner you care about what they have to say. Remember, these are the people you share the most responsibility with and make most major life decisions alongside. If they don’t feel important, this impacts you as well. Active listening sets the stage for your partner to feel fully seen and heard--and that's what we're all about!
What do we mean when we say "active listening?"
Active listening involves more than just hearing what someone is saying. It involves actively engaging with the speaker by asking reflective questions and providing verbal or nonverbal feedback.
Active listening helps build trust and understanding and can help resolve conflicts and disagreements more quickly. By actively listening to someone, you demonstrate that you are taking their thoughts and feelings seriously and are open to understanding their point of view. Seeing things from another perspective creates an environment of mutual respect and understanding.
What are the steps to active listening?
Pay attention to the speaker. Make sure to give the speaker your full attention while they are speaking and avoid interrupting them. It can be helpful to set equal time frames for each party to speak (for example, each of you gets five uninterrupted minutes). Put your phone or book down, turn off the T.V., and close the laptop.
Use non-verbal listening cues. We don't want any inauthentic or Oscar-worthy performances here, but nod your head, maintain eye contact (if it's accessible to you), and uncross your arms.
Be empathetic. Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes to understand their perspective. Listen with an open mind and stay out of judgment. All feelings are valid. All interpretations are valid.
Provide validation. Saying things like, "That must be very difficult for you" or "I can see why you feel that way" helps diffuse anger, soothe heavy emotions, and demonstrate genuine care and concern.
Respond thoughtfully. When your partner finishes talking, try to summarize what they said (reflect it back to them) to ensure you understood correctly. Ask them if there is anything important you may have missed that they would like to repeat.
Remember, the goal of active listening is not to solve the problem immediately but to hear it out. Often, being actively listened to is the solution we were looking for all along, and a few minutes of excellent communication puts us back on track!
