Designer Relationships: A Guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and MORE
We first heard the term "designer relationships" from Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson in their book Designer Relationships: A Guide to Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships to describe what many Feeling Seen experts are hearing about behind closed doors with their clients--things like open relationships or what we call consensual non-monogamy.
We love the term "designer" to explain the many ways contemporary relationship dynamics play out. (Feels so empowering, doesn't it?)
So, what exactly are designer relationships?
Designer relationships refer to customized intimate connections that people build to meet their individual wants and needs. In other words, they are relationships that are consciously designed to fulfill all individuals’ specific needs and desires.
Types of designer relationships:
Designer relationships can take on different forms, such as polyamorous (where individuals have multiple emotional or romantic relationships with more than one person at the same time), open (in which partners have agreed to more flexible terms when it comes to dating other people outside of the relationship), or non-monogamous, among others. They can be created between any number of partners and should involve honesty, communication, and mutual agreement on the terms and boundaries for each individual.
Why are more and more people drawn to designer relationships?
Besides the obvious (a desire to explore nontraditional sexual pleasure), people are increasingly more attracted to the idea of designing their own lives. Designer relationships have been around for a long time. We just haven't talked about them this much before. On the whole, we are now becoming more attuned to our individual wants and needs and breaking free of religious, cultural, and societal barriers that have previously dictated what we should or shouldn't do (or what we should or shouldn't talk about.)
Additionally, partners in designer relationships are encouraged to explore (and talk about!) their needs and desires more regularly and develop their emotional intelligence to mature the relationship further. This type of reflective personal work promotes a sense of self-confidence and empowerment. The notion of designer relationships also includes personal growth and self-discovery—two clear paths to happiness.
Of course, personal development and self-discovery is required and encouraged in traditional monogamous relationships as well, which means everyone (no matter what type of intimacy they practice) can learn from one another. So, what’s the catch?
Potential challenges:
Like any relationship, a designer relationship can come with some potential drawbacks. One of the most common is the potential for jealousy or possessiveness between original relationship members (often, this starts with two people.) One or other may begin to feel they are receiving a different amount of attention or that their partner is too focused on other individuals within the relationship dynamic. This can lead to feelings of insecurity or even resentment if communication breaks down or if boundaries and expectations are not properly addressed.
This is not a problem unique to nontraditional relationships, but it is one that comes up more often in therapy sessions with polyamorous couples or those practicing consensual non-monogamy.
The bottom line:
Designer relationships are unconventional, but they allow partners to choose and model their bonds to suit their needs and preferences rather than following traditional societal norms or standards. We live in a designer world where more people in more situations can explore all parts of themselves in and out of the bedroom. Doesn't that feel like a big breath of fresh air? While there is still much work to do societally and culturally to allow all individuals the freedom to be exactly who they are without shame or rejection, we do feel hopeful that in talking about these topics, more people will feel seen in their contemporary or nontraditional relationships.
So, design on Fam. We see you out there being all unapologetic, and we’re here for it.
