Ex-Partners Talked about during our SEX!!!?!
Nik Zaleski does amazing work in somatic connection. We brought here into our Feeling Seen family and below is her response to today’s question.
"Is it normal for my spouse to tell me specific details about his ex-partner’s bodies? Like breast size, about their sexual experiences while we are having sex?"
So many clients of mine struggle with whether or not to mention experiences from their previous relationships while in their current one, so you’re not alone in your curiosity! Our previous relationships often leave lasting impacts on us, and are full of lessons that we take into future relationships. For me, holding silence around previous relationships doesn’t feel natural and creates landmines in conversation. I maintain a strong goal that my partners and I are able to talk about anything. Sharing the things I’ve learned in previous relationships (about myself, my habits, my patterns, and the way I love) helps me feel closer to my partner. As does hearing about their relationships! But these conversations have a time and place.
I wonder how your partner’s communication around his exes is impacting you.
Anytime I hear the question “Is it normal if…” I try to remember that what’s normal to me might be strange, wild, or too much for someone else. All of our sexual ranges — meaning what we like and don’t like, and how we set boundaries around that -- are different!
What might be a major YUM for me could be a huge YUK for you, and I avoid all people who YUK my YUM. ;)
So instead of asking, “Is it normal if my partner tells me about his ex-partner’s bodies?” I might ask—
How does it make me feel when my partner talks about exes?
What is the impact on our connection?
Does it turn me on or off when he brings up other people during our intimacy?
If you’re having a positive experience with it and so is he- go both of you! YUM! But if his communication about previous partners is taking you out of your body or out of the experience of sharing intimacy with him— a conversation might be needed to course correct. And if the ladder is the case, consider using non-violent communication to share the impact of his actions with him:
Observe the situation like a camera (rather than with any bias or perspective): “When you describe previous partner’s body parts while we’re having sex…”
State the feeling that it inspired: “I felt…”
State the need underneath the feeling: “I have a need for…”
Share a request that would help meet your need: “Would you be willing to…”
Regardless of where you’re at on the Yuk or Yum scale for the situation you’re in, non-violent communication is an amazing tool to weave into your relationships. I hope you have fun trying it on!
You can learn about Nik's website, explore coaching with her by booking a chat, or take her quiz to learn more about your own somatic superpowers and shadows.
