Guilt because of religion and sex?Or perhaps sexual assault.
We were asked a heartfelt question in today’s newsletter. Before going any further, CHAMPION CONSENT CULTURE!
When you do any search on Google, or social media apps like TikTok you’ll find tons of information on purity culture, purity culture trauma and other variations of the search. Our community members question posed a bit of stir amongst the team and these are the kind of questions we love. We all questioned the definition of, “sin”. We brought in our Integrative Health & Review Board member, Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick, PhD, LPC to elaborate:
Sex is, no doubt, one of the most controversial topics out there.
We all develop core beliefs about sex based on how this topic was treated and talked about during our upbringings, as well as based on our previous life experiences.
The human brain is designed to sort through and file away these experiences… and it does so by creating ‘core beliefs’ that become the way we filter and make sense of present-day situations.
Our core beliefs are developed as the result of our previous life experiences (starting early on in our upbringings) and are then reaffirmed through our adult experiences. They truly become the lens through which we see the world, including the stories we create about ourselves, about others, about relationships, and about sex.
Now, imagine you had multiple previous life experiences that created beliefs for you about sex, such as that sex is shameful, a sin, and something to be embarrassed about. Or maybe due to experiences of sexual trauma, you formed beliefs that sex is not safe, and is actually a really negative thing.
Because of these experiences, your brain has now created a narrative (with the genuine intention to try to protect you from future harm) that constantly reminds you that sex, and even sexual desires, are something to fear, to avoid, and to be ashamed of.
Yet, simultaneously, because humans are designed for connection and intimacy, and because sex is a biological desire and a beautiful experience (even if your current narrative is trying to refute this), there is a constant internal debate between desiring, and maybe even enjoying sex, but then feeling guilty, shameful, or embarrassed about these sexual experiences.
If you can relate, please know, it does not have to stay this way. There are many things you can do to start to shift your narrative and beliefs about sex.
The first step in this process is to start by becoming aware of your current beliefs about sex and where they came from. I suggest creating a timeline starting in early childhood through present day, that reflects any and all sexual experiences, as well as the things you were taught about sex (including from parents, at school, peers, relationships, etc.).
Once you have an awareness of these experiences, you can start to explore through the core beliefs that were formed due to these events and determine if the way you currently feel about sex is due to healthy or unhealthy experiences and teachings about sex.
The next step is to start challenging these unhealthy or negative beliefs and work to replace them with healthier alternatives. You can challenge them by finding “evidence to the contrary” of that belief, that supports a new belief that sex can actually be a safe, healthy, and enjoyable experience.
You might find this evidence by working with a mental health professional who can help you process through and heal from these earlier life experiences. You can also find evidence by creating a timeline that reflects healthy and positive experiences with sex. As well as by engaging in reading, research, and exposure to sex-positive content and messages. I also suggest creating an actual evidence log, where you can document all the evidence you collect that refutes your negative beliefs and supports a new healthy belief (this can be helpful to refer back to in moments when negative beliefs get triggered or start to pop back up).
Our society puts out so many mixed messages about sex, that it is no wonder that people struggle to know how to feel about it. Between religion, politics, our upbringings, and our experiences with and about sex, it can be really easy to feel confused and uncertain about this topic.
But, at the end of the day, the only person who gets to decide how they feel about sex, is you. Even if your previous life experiences have created negative beliefs and faulty narratives about sex, it is never too late to change these beliefs and to replace with healthier alternatives.
There is hope and healing available when it comes to struggling with negative beliefs about sex; the decision to work towards making this change is up to you.
Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor and Relationship Expert in Phoenix, AZ.
Founder and CEO of Evolve Counseling & Behavioral Health Services
Website: https://www.drelizabethfedrick.com
Instagram: @drelizabethfedrick
