Christianity & premarital sex
Good evening Fam,
This week's question is one we've received dozens of times in dozens of ways since we started our newsletter! With so many of you interested in this topic, we wanted to move this question to the front of the line tonight.
Dear Mike,
I’m in a Christian relationship where sex before marriage is not something that I am currently engaging in. That said, both my partner and I have been sexually active in the past and I know that "comparison" (more for her) is a challenge. How do I meet my partner in that tension of them comparing themselves to previous partners (especially when it’s speculative)?
Sincerely,
Worth Waiting For
Dear Worth Waiting For,
Thank you for your question. We're hearing that because your current girlfriend has not yet engaged in intercourse with you (an activity you engaged in with a former partner), she is feeling a sense of insecurity because, in her mind, she has not yet met the level of intimacy this other person had with you and may believe she is competing for the "number one” spot in your heart.
It sounds like her imagination might even be creating stories about comparison or inadequacy.
First things first:
She’s been forthcoming with you about her insecurities, which is a beautiful sign that communication is flowing well right now, but feelings of comparison, inadequacy, or insecurity can be complicated. They can cause us to isolate ourselves (physically or emotionally), particularly when we can't share our feelings with our partners.
To support her, use active listening skills, and provide her with validation and empathy. Validation (or “Big V Energy” as we call it) is very beneficial for supporting your partner with her emotions (which are valid).
Here are some examples of “Big V Energy” statements to respond with:
That must be challenging for you.
I understand why you feel that way.
I'm so glad you shared this with me.
If you prefer to sleep on the couch and collect your clothes from the front lawn, however, here are some examples of non-validating statements you can try:
Stop worrying. I'm sure the sex will be just as good with you.
Why are you so obsessed with my ex?
Communication is for losers.
In all seriousness, it sounds like you have one heck of a good woman by your side--someone brave enough to communicate her feelings with you and dedicated enough to care about the quality of your intimate relationship, now and in the future. It's important to monitor your own reactions when she brings forward any concerns to reduce potential defensiveness and keep the communication clear and safe.
Your partner should never feel responsible for your emotions when they're trying to share their own. That is a recipe for conflict.
Feeling Seen Pro Tip:
When talking about past sexual experiences and relationships with a current partner, set clear boundaries for what information you each would like to share. Embrace past experiences as a tool for growth and learning, but focus more on your sexual future together (which sounds like it will be headboard-rattling considering how much you seem to care about each other's feelings!)
The bottom line:
Acceptance is needed to receive your partner for who they are and what they've done, mainly if those experiences can be used positively for personal growth and navigating the boundaries of your current relationship. We cannot control our partner's past decisions or actions. However, with any topic that can trigger feelings of comparison, insecurity, or inadequacy, staying calm and allowing space for those emotions to be seen and heard is the only way through. It is ultimately up to each partner to work through their own emotions and seek therapy if they don’t seem to be resolving with time or connection.
BUT, you can continue to meet each other with validation and empathy as you discuss your past and answer questions within your established boundaries.
Or, get yourself a good, cozy couch and a sturdy duffel bag. Your call.
Mike and The Feeling Seen Team
Note: This content is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. We cannot respond to personal requests for advice over the internet.
