Ever been a third!?
The day has finally arrived to reveal our first audience question! (Fam, you did not disappoint with these disclosures and curiosities.) Check out what our Feeling Seen team of expert sexologists, therapists, and counsellors had to say about bringing your past sexual history into your present sexual experience…
Hey Mike,
So I’m a woman that likes to experiment and try different things. I’ve been a “third” (if you know what I mean) in the bedroom and had great experiences! No one got jealous and we all had an amazing time. Now, as I’m intentionally and frequently dating, I’m wondering if this is something I should disclose to my potential partner? I know the politically correct answer is to be honest, as communication and transparency is always the best policy. Nevertheless, we both can admit that these days many men want to think of their partner as this untouched virginal being, that is magically great at sex but acquired virtually no partners to gain that skill. Like it or not, many men, whether conscious or not, judge and act off a woman’s past. So to best navigate the game of dating and desire, how much do you truly disclose??
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I think it's quite empowering for a woman to step out into the dating game and own her sexuality, especially if you've already had some amazing experiences.
Why on earth would you go backward?
With your confidence level, it's unlikely that you will attract men who have issues with your "past." In fact, you will probably attract equally confident, sexually sophisticated men with a high need for exploration, just like you have.
With that said, you should feel comfortable disclosing whatever you want to a partner. You get to set your disclosure boundaries. If a potential sex partner is uncomfortable with your experiences or level of sophistication, find out if they are interested in learning, and you can teach them a few things. That can be exciting.
If the discomfort is more aligned with jealousy, possessiveness, or insecurity, however, there is no reason to pursue the relationship unless he’s willing to do some deep inner work.
The bottom line:
Determining how much to disclose (or how little to disclose) should always be your choice and should never depend on what you believe someone else may think or feel.
What they think, how they feel, and what they decide to do with that information is a reflection of them and their past, not you and yours.
But, if you're still unsure what to communicate, do some self-discovery work to help you better understand why those experiences felt good, what you loved most about them, what else you might want to try, and how you want to bring some of those feelings back.
That discovery is the first step to better communication.
I have a GREAT (and free!) questionnaire that offers 66 Sexy Questions to get to know yourself better. All you have to do is reply to this with the word “give” and I’ll make sure you receive it!
I hope this helps you feel more seen.
Until next week…
