WHAT BOUNDARIES SHOULD I SET WITH MY EX?
Evening fam,
This week's question is about setting boundaries with an ex. 😬 (Yep, we panicked too!)
But, given the number of ups and downs we've had globally in the past few years, it's no surprise that relationships we once relied on have changed in ways we never anticipated, leaving us with unanswered questions about who we are and who we want in our lives.
So, let’s jump right past the panic and into the fire…
Dear Mike,
What boundaries should I set with my ex after breaking up if I still want to be friends?
Sincerely,
Is It Even Possible?
Dear Is It Even Possible,
We can hear the pleading in your voice on this one.
You don't want your ex to go away forever, but you know an intimate relationship is no longer possible.
You miss them in some ways and don't miss them in other ways simultaneously.
You had no one to text the last time that thing happened on that show you watched together to that character you both loved. (Pssst…What show was it? We need reccs?)
You want to move on, but you can't stop thinking about that one time in the hot tub together…
We see you, and we get it.
We don’t always acknowledge that with the end of a relationship comes a grieving phase, where we move through the complex emotions surrounding the loss itself. When you've known someone intimately, you often trust them and rely on them for emotional support and help. (And Netflix passwords.)
Just because you couldn't find alignment in your intimate relationship doesn't always mean you didn't find comfort in their presence, advice, or friendship. So, you try to soothe the pain of that loss by keeping your ex-partner in your life and simply changing their role within it--moving them from lover to friend, so you don't have to say goodbye.
(*Alexa, play Trustfall*)
It's a tricky spot to be in, so we are bringing you some advice from Feeling Seen Family Friend, Dr. Cortney S. Warren, Ph.D., ABPP.
As a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist with expertise in relationships and addictive behavior, people often ask me whether they can be friends with an ex after breaking up.
The truth is that it depends. Transitioning from romantic partners to platonic friends often requires caring for complicated interpersonal dynamics and emotional reactions. If you and your ex are up for the challenge of remaining friends, establishing healthy (and new) boundaries is key.
How to establish new boundaries with your ex:
Boundaries are your relationship expectations—they reflect how you want to be treated and what you're going to do if someone violates those expectations (Cloud & Townsend, 2017). With an ex, this includes everything from how much time you want to spend together to how often you talk.
After a breakup, boundaries with your now-ex are in flux because the nature of your relationship is changing, so clarity and consistency become essential.
Here are my Top 5 Boundary Tips if you want to stay friends:
Act like friends. If you're really going to be friends, you have to act like it. Whatever you did together that was emotionally and romantically connecting you needs to stop.
Stop having sex. Touch and orgasm release hormones and neurotransmitters into your body that can make you more attracted to and romantically attached to your ex. It's harder to be friends if you continue to have sex.
Don't use friendship as an excuse to get back together. If you’ve broken up, something about your romantic relationship wasn't working. Don't claim to be friends because you're secretly hoping to get back together—only be friends if you can honestly live with the truth that you're not together romantically.
Take time apart if one or both of you is still in love. You're not "just friends" if you're still in love with each other. Staying connected to an ex you're still in love with—or who is in love with you— only makes it harder to move on. If that means taking some time apart before trying on the "friend" role, do it.
Don't use guilt or insecurity to motivate friendship. If you feel guilty or insecure because of your breakup—for example, you broke your ex's heart, cheated, or were uncomfortable being single—that is not a good reason to be friends. Only pursue a friendship because you really like each other as people and want to stay connected in a non-romantic way.
If you want more information on setting boundaries with your ex, “check out my exercise” now- download to ebook HERE. If you're struggling to move on after a tough breakup, my new book Letting Go of Your Ex teaches you many skills based in cognitive behavior therapy that may help.
The bottom line:
If keeping your ex in your life negatively affects your well-being—it makes you sad, anxious, emotionally reactive, stuck in the past, pining over a former lover—you're not ready to be friends yet.
In that case, we recommend you get a new Netflix password and start carving out some new memories.
Sincerely,
Dr. Cortney
Dr. Cortney S. Warren, PhD, ABPP is a Board Certified Clinical Psychologist and author of the books Letting Go of Your Ex (2023) and Lies We Tell Ourselves: The Psychology of Self-Deception (2014). The advice above is protected by Copyright Cortney S. Warren, PhD, ABPP. For more information on Dr. Cortney and her work, visit DrCortney.com or her Linktree.
Note: This content is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. We cannot respond to personal requests for advice over the internet.
