Sex, Stigmas & STI’s
Evening Fam,
We have a really important topic to talk about this week: sexually transmitted infections, otherwise known as STIs.
We are so proud of our brave Feeling Seen family member for bringing this question to us. We are an anti-shame platform, and discussing taboo or complex subjects is precisely why we started this community.
So, let's get right to it…
Dear Mike,
It's a little easier to do this anonymously. I contracted HSV 2 from a partner who knew they had it, and had given it to the girl before me. The amount of rejection I have faced since having an STD has at times felt unbearable. I don't feel pretty or attractive anymore. Because it seems even in this world today that no one wants to be involved with it. How do you open up about this? I tell any potential sexual partner and find out very quickly what they care about. I've lived with herpes for 6 years now. To be honest I personally don't think it's as bad as the stigma and the things we were always told about it. How do you handle the rejection after such a great time with someone and they reject you because of something you didn't ask for? How do I feel sexy and want to put myself out there?
Sincerely,
Searching for love in Austin
Dear Searching for love in Austin,
Thank you for being so courageous with your question. We are so happy you are here in a community that believes every person deserves to feel seen, no matter who they are or what brought them here.
First, we want to validate that you are correct that the stigma about STIs (caused primarily by misinformation) is very real and can cause significant stress. Stigmas (negative, harmful, or discriminatory attitudes or beliefs), particularly stigmatization of a person's medical condition, can significantly impact mental and physical health, self-esteem, and quality of life. We want to recognize that you are not wrong and not alone if you feel misunderstood, judged, rejected, confused, or unseen.
That's exactly what stigmatization aims to do.
Thankfully, you came to the right place--a community that believes in breaking down stigmas by providing accurate information, not adding to them by shying away.
Here's the info drop:
HPV, which stands for Human Papillomavirus, is a common sexually transmitted infection. There are over 100 types of HPV, and some people who become infected with HPV do not even develop symptoms. That's why it is essential for every individual who is engaging in sexual activity to get regular testing and to ensure they are open with their partners and potential partners about any conditions.
STIs are, in fact, very normal—Over half of the people in the U.S. will have or have had an STI in their lifetime. That’s one in every two people…or more! Think about the size of your family, social circle, or even the number of recent dates you've matched with. Every second person you meet knows exactly what you're feeling, or will at some point.
*So, let's take a deep breath out.*
Now, that said…Despite how common these infections are, no one seems to be talking about them, which still makes opening up to potential partners a scary and vulnerable experience--we get that. Not everyone is educated about STIs, and not everyone is emotionally prepared to receive your information. It's challenging enough for you to open up and even more challenging when you have to face negative reactions.
So, we want to give you some grounded strategies today for opening up about your experience and handling any rejection that may follow.
Feeling Seen Top Five Tips for Sharing Medical Information with a Potential Partner:
Seek individual counseling. Your mind, body, heart, and soul must be protected first and foremost before taking on the reactions or emotions of others (which is bound to happen in an intimate relationship that requires intimate disclosures.) This is our number one priority for you. The more you talk with safe, trusted individuals, the better you will feel. In addition to a great therapist or counselor, find yourself an in-person or online support group to explore any grief, anger, rejection, or shame you're experiencing. Their experience may help you discover strategies for improving self-esteem, body image, and self-compassion.
Don't share 'on the fly.' Set aside uninterrupted time and space to talk about your diagnosis and respond to your partner's feelings about it. Just like sharing any other important medical information, this deserves to be handled with care. But remember, this is not about increasing the stress and making your disclosure feel scary or big, it's about decreasing the stress by making adequate space for it. (*Turns off Jaws soundtrack*)
Prepare before you share. Think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. This is where a counselor or therapist can be a big benefit! It can also help to have accurate information from your medical provider on hand—printed pamphlets or links to credible resources, for example, about how your diagnosis can be managed within a relationship.
Release the attachment to their reaction. This one is hard, but it's arguably the most important when handling responses. Take a deep breath and acknowledge that, just like any important information, most people are not equipped to respond the way you need. You must detach their response from your disclosure. In other words, your diagnosis is not a burden, it is simply a piece of information you have bravely offered them. Your diagnosis is not to blame if they respond in a way that hurts you.
Remind yourself that you are doing the right thing. Disclosing this information is not only the right thing to do but also shows great respect for your partner, honoring their body and choices. That's a big deal, and you should stand proudly in your truth, no matter the outcome.
The bottom line:
A medical diagnosis does not define you.
The prettiest and most attractive thing about any human being, as far as we're concerned, is their ability to show kindness, compassion, and understanding to others. Caring for your partner's wellbeing, having difficult conversations, seeking advice and support, and continuing to help break down the stigma around STIs makes you one heck of a sexy individual in our eyes.
Reclaim your sexual experiences and continue to empower yourself (as we know you have been) with accurate information about how manageable these conditions can be when both partners have each other's best interests in mind.
Thank you for being here. We’re so proud of you, and we hope this helps you feel a little (or a lot!) more seen.
Mike and The Feeling Seen Team
Note: This content is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. We cannot respond to personal requests for advice over the internet.
